I hope everyone is having an incredible day so far. I am happy I've finally had a chance to update. :) Writing is so therapeutic for me- there's nothing like ripping open your soul and pouring it out- letter by letter, word by word.
Yesterday was not the best day for me. I was having some frustrations and freaking out that my weight has not changed in 2 months. I had a long, hard talk with my husband about my feelings and my temptations. Why is the temptation always so strong to sink back into that old, comfortable, bitter place of self-inflicted desperation? To battle against the seemingly age-old motto "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"?? Regardless I refuse to let myself be led astray by my old "friend". it was good to be so open and honest with my hubby, to have that intimate soul to soul conversation that i can really only have with him.
Speaking of intimate conversations, I had a humbling, hard text message with my little sister yesterday. Over the past 6 months of so she has lost about 70 pounds- she looks amazing, but as always jealousy reared it's ugly head in my heart and I had been unable to be genuinely happy for her. She looks a m a z i n g. Stunning. She's always been gorgeous to me of course, but she truly looks like she's come into her own. It's been really hard for me since I've always been the "thinner" one (but not really thin at all) and I am neither the thinner one nor the one who is healthier. On a recent family vacation- person after person complimented her and ask for diet advice while i just stood there stupidly feeling fat and sorry for myself. I know that there is so much more to worth then weight or looks, but at the time it was hard to hear and felt like a slap in the face. I made some very snide comments to her, which is what I apologized for and explained how I had been feeling. She was very gracious to me and I feel better that our relationship is no longer strained.
My sister was able to lose so much weight by switching to a vegan diet. She is one of the only vegans I know who doesn't necessarily care about animals or the environment but rather weight and what she's putting into her body. I have dabbled around with vegetarianism for a while but for the opposite reason. I feel deeply moved and concerned when I eat an animal and allow myself to seriously think about what I'm putting in my mouth. I feel guilty eating a chicken or a cow while staring into my dog's big brown eyes. What makes a cow or a chicken or a pig different from a dog? They have feelings and emotions too. In other countries people eat dogs and it's perfectly acceptable but they revere cow. Why is this so disgusting to us? Why not eat a cat? These are just questions I've been throwing around for a while, trying to find out what a good stewardship of earth looks like to me.
I have been having stomach problems for awhile and the doctor ran a few tests but couldn't figure out what exactly was going on. I hadn't had any problems in a while but yesterday my stomach issues flared up and I spent the entire evening in bed sipping on tea. I decided to read Skinny Bitch, which my sister recommended to me and ended up finishing the entire book in an hour! The book was...graphic. Really, really graphic. The way the authors described the treatment of animals made me gag and tear up. I put my head on my husband's chest and said "i don't think I want to eat animals anymore" and he stroked my face and whispered "baby you don't have to. We don't have to if you don't want to." (isn't he the most amazing husband ever!!!!! like out of a movie!!)
As far as the book itself goes I don't think I would recommend it to everyone. A lot of it was crude and really harsh IMO (ex: "if you eat sh** you are sh**.") This book would definitely NOT be for someone suffering from self esteem issues or recovering from ED. BUT- if you want a somewhat entertaining, very informative read and can handle the put-downs, you may learn a thing or two. :)
So what does this all mean for me? Between what I've seen with my sister, what I've read in that (and other) books, my own moral convictions and my stomach problems (meat and dairy are two of the hardest foods to digest) I have decided to cut back. WAY back on meat and dairy especially. I'm excited for the challenge and to try and incorporate more foods that I normally would eat meat instead of. I am not expecting myself to never eat meat or dairy ever again but I do want to try to do 30 days to see if it helps my weight, skin, mood and stomach. We shall see. There's got to be a easier way to do all this... anyone else feel the same way?